Let The Journey Begin…

Here is the post that I have been waiting for… we have decided to let all of you in our lives to be there for us from day 1. That’s right, I am pregnant!! When I looked at the tests (thats right… i took a few lol) I was filled with excitement and utter fear, but at this point more excitement! I told Jared by getting him a present filled with a picture of me holding the pregnancy test, the book One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and “I Love My Daddy” onesie and a fishing onesie… i mean it had to be fishing stuff for Jared baby 🙂 I decided to tell him differently this time, because this time is going to be different from start to end.

Once I got the positive test, I called my Dr. right away because she wanted me to catch any pregnancy early. I went in and got my first Hcg labs drawn yesterday and put on progesterone supplements yesterday too. I will have my second Hcg labs drawn tomorrow and my first appt. once they have the results, so probably next week. This baby will be followed really closely and I will be asking my Dr. many questions. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this pregnancy end differently then the last 2. Any and all advice from our loved ones is much appreciated.

So this is going to be a looong 9 months for us… with the first 3 being the hardest. I know once I hear my little babies heart beat for the first time, I will start to feel a little more at ease. But for now, all we ask is for all of your love and support and prayers along our journey. We love you all so much, and are happy to have you all along the way. I know Jared is worried about me, and what my body has already been through, but as I told him, I made it because of him and all of you… so although I have been through a lot… if it wasn’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

I am technically about 4 weeks and 5 days along, since my last period was March 19th. The baby (or blastocyte) has officially implanted into my uterus and is smaller then a grain of rice. I cannot wait to watch the little one grow…

Here we go again! In the second one the line is faint but it is there…its a lot more obvious in person 🙂 

How I told Jared he is going to be a daddy!

Until Next time …

Cycle 1: Pregnancy Everywhere

Like I have said before I have my ups and my downs… luckily I have had more ups then downs, but I swear pregnancy is EVERYWHERE! I have about 10 people at least that I know are pregnant! I am extremely happy for all of them I swear… im just sitting here waiting for my turn, and trying to be positive! Im hoping all the pregnancy vibes will soon be sent my way 🙂

As I talked about last time, I was awaiting my ovulation… it has become apparent to me that one reason I love to go to bed at night it just so I can wake up at 6am and take my temp (but I also do just love my sleep). It is important that I take my BBT at the same time every morning, so I have my alarm set for 6 am every morning (whether I work or not)…. I use FertilityFriend to track everything and have been waaaittting for the “crosshairs,” which indicate my day of ovulation… and it FINALLY happened… I got the crosshairs!! I am currently 3 DPO (days past ovulation)… or around there, because even though its pretty accurate, the website could be a little off.

Now the HARD wait begins… the wait for a pregnancy test. Every day I get online and see when I can test, like it is going to change and tell me that I can test sooner lol. Unfortunately, the wait is at least 7-10 more days… I am not sure exactly how I am going to go about things when I finally test… like am I going to blog about it being + or – and if its +, am I going to tell ANYONE (of course my husband will know)… like am I even going to tell my mom (which will be hard not to). I know the pain that shot through my heart each time I was told my baby died… and I know the pain that shot through everyone else that knew, especially my mom… and I am not sure I want to put anyone else through my pain, god forbid that it all happens to end terribly all over again. In my head it wont end that way… it will end with a beautiful baby in my arms, but as we all know, anything could happen.

I want to believe when I see the + i will be so happy and the world will be right… but I know that isn’t true.While I will be happy, I will be more scared in my life then I have ever been before. But until that + happens, I am just going to tell myself it worked… we conceived and this time I WILL see a + test, and then I will take it day by day. And if I dont see a +, its not the end of the world… we will try again, cause hey, I mean the “trying” is the fun part right 🙂 lol and we will just keep living our lives knowing that one day when the time is right our lived will include a baby.

Until then, I wish everyone I know that is pregnant, the most amazing, safe, and healthy pregnancy! I hope none of them have to endure the pain I have went through, because the loss of your baby at any stage is life changing, and no one is ever prepared for that, and none of you deserve that (not that any of us do…)

Until next time …

Cycle 1: Mind Racing

This week has been a hard one for me. I have been doing my tracking and charting and even joined TheBump to talk to other ladies about my signs of ovulation. In my last blog I talked about getting that positive O test… well by my BBTs and charting does not seem as if I actually ovulated then… which is sucky when you planned sex around that (we dont only have sex for that though lol). After talking to other women they seem to think the same thing… so I have continued to track my BBTs and Ovulation tests, and today I got another positive O test and a drop in BBT (which a drop is a sign of ovulation, then it spiked for at least 3 temps)… so hopefully this time is the REAL DEAL (it is closer to my normal ovulation time anyway). So we will keep trying and just wait for when I can take a pregnancy test.

The reason I say this week has been hard on me is because my mind in constantly on “baby mode.” I wake up thinking about it and charting, and I go to bed thinking about it, and during the day it drifts in and out. I am constantly looking at my chart and trying to figure out when I can take a pregnancy test. With all of this being said, I have considered going to a therapist to talk to someone about it… I am dying to be a mom and have my precious healthy baby, but I know it shouldn’t consume my life.

I also know that the day I get a + test…. I will have my mind racing on a whole other set of emotions and fears. The second time we tried for a baby, I thought about it a lot, but nothing like this. I feel that after having a second miscarriage my heart is wrecked and my mind is a little lost, not in a bad way, but in a slightly consuming way. I feel that having someone, other then friends and family to talk to (because I don’t want my problems to consume their life) will help me through this process and allow me to let more out that my be inside me.

So for now I am contemplating that decision to go to a therapist. I think I will wait until this cycle is over, because I know once/if AF (aunt flow) returns, my heart will sink into my stomach and I will be slightly disappointed and unhappy…I have a ton of support from all of you, I just think I may need a different kind of support.

I just want the ability to wake up in the morning and be completely satisfied with what I have in my life, and not think about what I have lost. I want to be able to fall asleep at night dreaming about everything happy, not waking up thinking about everything sad. I just want to have the one thing in my life that is missing, so that I can show how truly happy I am for everything I already have been blessed with.

Until next time …

Cycle 1 Continues… Emotional

Everyone knows that the loss of a child is difficult and heart breaking … the loss of two or more … earth shattering. But no one ever tells you how torturous the days of trying to conceive again are!

So far I have been doing okay, but it seems that this last week have been dreary and looong. Emotions have ran high and low for me… I think that its the fact that I am sitting around (not literally) waiting for that little smiley face to pop up that tells you GO MAKE A BABY!! It is torture I tell you… every day you pee on that stick and every morning at 6:00am you take your temperature, hoping that all signs align and tell you NOW IS THE TIME.

Well I got that little smiley face, and trust me I took action lol but then signs started to show me that maybe then wasn’t the time? But the test said so…. so it had to be, right? Well impatient me kept taking tests after that smiley face and I got a blank… so the test was right! Well… again I took another test the next day and got the smiley face AGAIN! Wait, but this cant be right… no one ovulates twice!?

So now I sit and wait…. and wait… and wait… for the time to take the pregnancy test to see if the tests were right, or maybe I am lucky and we just happened to time things right anyway. Let me tell you… waiting SUCKS! The thoughts that constantly run through my head are beyond torturous. I am not sure that this cycle will be productive or not, as you know it took me 3 cycles after my last D&C to conceive again. But I have high hopes, because at this point all I can do is think positive.

All this waiting really has my mind wandering and thinking about the fact that right now, I could have been a mom. I often wonder if it would have been a boy or a girl (with our second pregnancy we were one week short of finding out), what would the nursery be like, would he/she look like me or jared, what color would their hair be, how good of a mom would I be… and I wonder how full my heart would feel! Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my first pregnancy (or my second). My life could be completely different… but for some reason it isn’t. For some reason I was given this path to walk on, and I am doing so with a smile on my face my head held high, because I know that one day this path will take a turn, and somewhere along the way I will have my little baby… and my heart will feel full again.

Until next time…

Trying For Baby Douglas: Cycle 1

Well its that time again… time to blog and share my thoughts!

Jared has been so sweet lately… constantly thinking of things in terms of our future baby… for example, we were talking about setting up the “man room” and he was concerned about the TV being on a certain wall because it was against the nursery 🙂 It melts my heart to know that I married an amazing man that is ready for our family as much as I am!

So as far as trying to conceive…i FINALLY got my first period after my second D&C (6 weeks after), which mean tracking is now FULL FORCE! haha! Hopefully my ovulation will happen within a couple weeks and we conceive this time around… but it is hard to say since that last time it took us 3 months, but it wasn’t until the month that I literally tracked everything that it happened.. so I am hoping by me doing that this time I increase my odds.

So cycle 1 started on March 19th… and ovulation will be around the first week in April… hoping my body doesn’t play some April fools jokes on me 🙂 lol I will be able to take my first pregnancy test around the third week in April, so we shall see how things go! Fingers crossed for the best, but I also know this may take some time again!

I have so many friends that are pregnant right now, and before it was hard for me to be around them… but not in my current state of mine i am excited for them and love to see there baby belly’s and see their excitement! It has been a roller coaster of emotions for me, and I am so happy to be on the upside now!

Until next time…

Trying For Baby Douglas

As most of you know, I began to blog after the loss of not one, but two precious babies. My blogging came at a time of sadness, but helped me through from the support of all of you. It has been almost 6 weeks since the loss of our second baby and my husband and I have been doing very well. We… well mostly me… have our occasional downs, but for the most part we are holding together very strongly.

One thing that has been getting to me lately it knowing that our first angel baby would be entering this world in just a couple short weeks if he/she hadn’t been taken from us. It is crazy to think that we could have been parents at the end of this month! I know everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn’t make sense now, and we will look at that time, when it comes around, with sadness in our hearts thinking about what we might of had, but also with happiness knowing that that little one is looking down on us and protecting us.

On a lighter note… our journey begins again. Many people ask us, when we are going to try again? Well the answer is we haven’t stopped trying haha! We know in our hearts that this is something we want, and that it WILL happen for us, but it wont happen if we don’t try, no matter how scared we are!

I will be honest… I am terrified for the day that I take that pregnancy test and it comes up +… because I have had that excitement ripped out of me too many times! But I also know that each time it was worth it… the nausea, fatigue, vomiting, mood swings, and heartbreak…. all of it was worth it to have that child be a part of me, even if for a short period of time! This time the excitement will be harder to enjoy… until the first time we hear that little heart beating, then I am sure I will cry… but this time with more happiness then I could probably possibly imagine!! But until then we hold onto the faith and hope, that this time WILL BE DIFFERENT, and we dont give up!

My plan this time around is a little different from the get go… I have continued my prenatal vitamins, and I also take an 81mg aspirin daily, just in case the problem is a clotting issue. I am tracking tracking tracking… from by morning bbt, cervival mucous and ovulation daily! I was also told to take pregnancy tests asap after an ovulation cycle, to catch the pregnancy early. Once a positive pregnancy test shows up… its HcG tracking time, progesterone tracking time, progesterone supplements, and an EARLY ultrasound!

So that is what I know for now…. blogging has really helped me, and through this process I will be blogging weekly and looking forward to all of the love and support from you all!

Saying It Out Loud…

Since I was a young girl, I have always dreamed of being a mom… I was MEANT to be a mom. When my husband and I started trying to become parents we were excited, and only thought of the good, beautiful baby that would be brought into our lives… we never though of the tragedies we would soon face.

The first time I heard the words “there is no heartbeat,” was August 26th, 2014. I was about 7-8 weeks along. I could have never imagined that it was possible to feel the pain I felt in that very moment. My life crumbled and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to think that the Dr. and the ultrasound was wrong… but the proof was there. It was at that point that I had to make a decision… to let the miscarriage happen on its own or to go through with a D&C. I never thought that this would be a decision I would have to make.

I had my first D&C on August 31st, 2014. I think the hardest part about this day was checking into the Mother Baby Unit of Mckenzie Willamette Hospital pregnant, where many other pregnant women were also checking in, knowing that I was going to leave not pregnant. As i sat there with my mom and husband i was torn, lost, and completely defeated… I just wanted to get it over with.

After my procedure I was sad and felt alone, even though I had so many people there to support me, and my husband. I was terrified to try again, but I knew in my head that I was strong enough to do it. It took some time and lots of trying (from tracking my BBT to cervical mucus tracking) before we got another positive pregnancy test on January 2nd, 2015. I was elated.. but oh so scared.

I knew this time around that we weren’t going to share the news with people until at least after our first appt., or maybe even wait until I was 12 weeks along. My first appointment was scheduled for February 3rd, 2015, and I was 9 weeks and 1 day. I was battling morning sickness, fatigue, sore boobs, vomiting, increased appetite, frequent urination, and overwhelming JOY. I told myself, this time would be different and I just felt better going into my appointment. As my husband and I walked into the OB office I was nervous, and excited, because this would be the first time I heard my babies heart beat… because this time, it was going to be different.

As I climbed up onto the bed and my OB grabbed the ultrasound machine the nerves really hit… but thats ok, because like I said before, this time it was going to be different… right? As we looked at the screen, a HUGE smile hit my face when my OB said, there is your baby!! You could see him/her. You could see the little arms and legs and head… I couldn’t believe it…!! As the OB continued to look at baby, tilting her heard and searching… i grabbed my husbands hand… the Dr.’s body language was scaring me… at this point I knew in my heart, this time wasn’t going to be different. Then I heard the words that I thought I would NEVER hear again… “i am struggling to find the heartbeat.” I froze…. I didn’t know what to think. How can this be? This isn’t right! She is wrong… she has to be wrong. After what felt like hours, but was only seconds, a glimmer of hope came… I was going to the sonographers room with better equipment. As I lay there again I tried to think positive…. telling myself everything will be ok. As I lay there squeezing my husbands hand, i hear in a calm and matter of fact voice “there is not heart beat. Im very sorry, take as much time as you need…”

I crumbled… How could this possibly be…. I just went through this not even 6 months ago. I am meant to be a mom… so why is this being taken from me again! So as I sat there crying harder then I have ever cried before with my husband crying by my side, even though he was trying to be strong… I had to make the decision again to let it happen naturally or to go through with another D&C.

It has now been 4 days since my D&C surgery. I still have the bruises on my hands from my IV’s that remind me of the reality of the situation… even though each morning I try to tell myself it was only just a dream. I don’t think anyone could ever explain to you how you are going to feel after the loss of one baby, let alone the loss of two.

Physically, I am recovering. Emotionally, I am just beginning to fall apart.I have cried, I still cry, and I know I will cry again… but one day all of this pain will give me the strength I need to be the mom I know I will be.